BE GREEN - RECYCLE NEW USES FOR OLD POTHOLES Courtesy of Tom Murphy NUCLEAR WASTE: Environmentalists have expressed very reasonable concerns about burying spent nuclear fuel rods and other radioactive waste under Yucca Mountain in Nevada. After all, would the waste really be buried deep enough to keep it safe for more than 10,000 years? We have a practical alternative: You can bury the nuclear waste in Petaluma Potholes. Some of these things go half-way to China! There is no danger that anything will ever come in contact again with whatever goes into those holes. And the potholes will glow at night, making it safer for motorists to drive on city streets after sunset. --Tom Ikage BIRD BATH: Who doesn't love the little birdies? Fortunately for Petalumans, the city council has graciously created thousands of birdbaths on the streets running through our neighborhoods. Just add water and listen to the birdies sing! Larger potholes can even serve as wetlands for migrating flocks of Canada geese or ducks, leading to the possibility of adding duck blinds for hunters.--Ronald Dreyer OIL RESERVES: It's time for all Americans to consider what they can do to help make our country stronger. Here's an easy way: turn your favorite Petaluma pothole into a strategic oil reserve! Next time you need to change your oil, simply drain the crank case into a pothole in your neighborhood and cover it with sheet of plastic. Proudly mark your strategic oil reserve with a Petaluma city flag, so that your black gold can be retrieved easily in a time of national crisis. If we all stow away a little oil now, we won't have to dig up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge later.--Suzy Mattson RAT DISPOSAL: Potholes aren't the only urban problem faced by Petaluma. The city, like most other towns in California, is facing a growing menace from rats. You can kill the rats with poison, but where can you dispose of the poisonous corpse so that it isn't eaten by the cats and dogs that belong to our citizenry? Why, of course!! Potholes are just the perfect size for rodent graves. The rats help fill the hole and the city paves them over with a fresh coat of tar and gravel! And if the hole is big enough, we could bury the lies of our city council, but we'd have to cover those with tar and feathers! -- Tom Murphy FISH PONDS: The Japanese have long found peace while contemplating koi fish swimming in ponds. Surely, Petalumans can resolve their differences over the pothole issue by filling the larger divots with water, adding a couple of bonzai plants and plopping in a couple of koi. Imagine the inspiration these splendid golden beings will be to our city councilors, who can't seem to find enlightenment on their own. --Iwana Petaluna CHANGE CUP: Anyone who's been in a quickie-mart knows the friendly custom of the penny jar by the checkout counter. If you're a penny short, borrow one. If you have an extra among your change, add it to the jar. This give-and-take not only helps to keep us from walking around with 99 cents in change in our pockets, but also keeps the demand of pennies in a natural equilibrium. Why not apply this to potholes? If Petalumans have extra pennies, they can pitch them into the potholes, helping to fill the void. And if the city council can't afford to fix the streets, they can borrow a few pennies. --Penny Wise GOLF COURSE: FORE!!! Ever notice how crowded the golf course gets on weekends? Well now you can play nine holes on your own street. Simply fill some of the pot holes with sand, fill others with water, and stick a city flag in the small ones and -- PRESTO -- instant fairways. If you'd like to add some greenery, simply go to city hall, where there is a great surplus of manure, and ask the city council to spread some on your street so that you can grow grass on what used to be a driveable street!--Sonny Linx TRASH COMPACTOR: Garbage. It's everybody's issue. But why waste energy in store-bought trash compactors when you have a natural garbage-crusher right in front of your own house?! Simply dump your refuse in that big nasty pothole and wait for neighbors to drive by. You'll find they have efficiently reduced your rubbish to an easily disposable size. Hmmmmm....maybe this is how we can get rid of the garbage the city council has been handing out about the pothole issue...? --Justin deDumpster BOOBY TRAP: The Department of Homeland Defense has asked us all to be on guard for terrorists. I suspect we can catch quite a few with the help of our potholes. Just cover the potholes with burlap, mark them on a map, then sit back and wait. Petalumans can use the map to steer around them. But unsuspecting terrorists will tumble into the bottomless pits. Petaluma potholes...deadlier than a landmine!!! --General Alarm. ASH TRAY: Here's a idea even a City Councilor can identify with: Butt Hole!!!! If you're still addicted to cigarettes, your friends probably force you to smoke outside. But where should you put the butt? Clearly, your friends have no ashtray, and you don't want to carry that ugly thing back into the house.... AH! There's the perfect receptacle in the street! -- Siggie Rhet JELLO MOLDS: Simply line them with saran wrap and fill with jello on a cool evening. Hours later, you have America's favorite desert. -- Tom Murphy WISHING WELLS: Fill potholes with water, and tell citizens that if they wish to get the potholes filled, throw in some coin of the realm. Who knows? You may come up with the millions needed to fix the roads.-- Tarman DOGGIE SEWAGE TREATMENT CENTERS: Why encase dog dropping in plastic bags and put them into landfill? They can be packed into the potholes, where -- over time -- they will revert to dry organic matter. In the meantime, they will encourage motorists not to drive in the potholes.-- Tarman CANDLE: A take-off of the classic 'sand' candle this candle will light the way on potholed roads .... fill pothole with parafin and a wick, voilla!--Leslie Darpat BBQ PIT: Gather the neighborhood, fill potholes with charcoal and place a grate over the top. --Tony Lindmont